"The good news is, President Obama was born in America. The bad news is, so was Donald Trump."
---Jay Leno
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"If this [birth certificate] really is from 1961, why is there not a single mention of Ed Sullivan? He was huge! And where is the stain from the delivering doctor's martini???"
---Stephen Colbert
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"A new study found that Americans spend $1.2 trillion every year on stuff they don’t need. Or as Republicans call it: health care."
---Jimmy Fallon
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"We haven’t changed since time began. That's why it's the same stories in the Old Testament and the New York Post. Scientifically we've advanced a lot, but human nature is exactly the same. That's why nanotechnology can isolate a single strand of DNA and stop a global plague, but we still need guards at the zoo so nobody tries to jump over the fence and kick the polar bear in the balls just to be a You Tube sensation."
---Colin Quinn, from Long Story Short
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"I think these storms are God’s way of sending us a message. I think that message is that when warm humid air masses surge northward from the Gulf of Mexico and combine with a strong jet stream, it can result in severe weather conditions."
---Jimmy Kimmel
---Jay Leno
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"If this [birth certificate] really is from 1961, why is there not a single mention of Ed Sullivan? He was huge! And where is the stain from the delivering doctor's martini???"
---Stephen Colbert
-
"A new study found that Americans spend $1.2 trillion every year on stuff they don’t need. Or as Republicans call it: health care."
---Jimmy Fallon
-
"We haven’t changed since time began. That's why it's the same stories in the Old Testament and the New York Post. Scientifically we've advanced a lot, but human nature is exactly the same. That's why nanotechnology can isolate a single strand of DNA and stop a global plague, but we still need guards at the zoo so nobody tries to jump over the fence and kick the polar bear in the balls just to be a You Tube sensation."
---Colin Quinn, from Long Story Short
-
"I think these storms are God’s way of sending us a message. I think that message is that when warm humid air masses surge northward from the Gulf of Mexico and combine with a strong jet stream, it can result in severe weather conditions."
---Jimmy Kimmel
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